2. Remove all nouns.
3. Substitute vowels for consonants & vice versa.
4. Substitute words with words that rhyme
5. remove all punctuation, line breaks, and Capital letters
6. pronounce only vowels
7. pronounce only consonants
8. chop and mix syllables
9. spit out words
10. spit out sputum
11. Allow genitives to settle in close proximity to chicken carcasses.
12. Act only through adjectives.
13. Recognize the innate passivity of all language and allow it toshape your sentence structures.
14. Gerund often.1
15. Ensure all modifiers squint, dangle or misplace.
16. chew all words 108 times before swallowing.
17. use prepositions in post-position.
18. capitalize all improper nouns.
19. dangle your modifiers.
20. strap on a diphthong.
21. give enemas to the irregular verbs
22. cut down the dangling clauses
23. punish the improper nouns
24. give off-color words the maximum sentence
25. clean up those dirty innuendos
26. interject uncouth phrases into mild oaths
27. jazz up technical terms with rhetorical flourishes
28. spruce up worn out cliches with text messaging acronyms
29. replace mixed metaphors with transparent double talk
30. add archaic words for that old time religion feeling
31. replace propaganda with nursery rhymes
32. redesign verbs for swifter action
33. mete out glottal stops to the runaway phrases
34. fertilize flowery phrases with watered down Flood references
35. construct with semi colons a colonoscopy
36. construct half words
37. use split infinitives to make double negatives
38. use forceful imperatives to hammer out ringing phrases
39. use adjectives as statements of fact
40. introduce reasonable doubt with questions marks for every sanity clause
41. Give hendiadys short shrift and enough rope.
42. Fill lacunas with piffle and tripe.
43. Burn authors with nom-de-plumes. (Although maybe that's a little severe...)
44. Singe nom-de-plumed authors with burning feathers.
45. Introduce obligatory paronomasia into the British legal system.
46. Demand sonnets have fifteen lines.
47. Semper Ubi Sub Ubi.
48. Impersonate a poet
49. Translate every word from every language into English
50. No more safe text
51. Live vicariously thru abbreviations & acronyms
52. Send avant garde poems to you high school English teacher
53. Remove all the words from your publications
54. Travel back in time & persuade Mallarmé to write sentimental claptrap
55. Touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth.
56. Blow some air from your diaphragm.
57. Touch your tongue to the back of your upper front teeth.
58. Blow more air.
59. Press lips together and release while blowing MORE air.
60. Talk without opening your jaws.
61. Talk without opening your lips.
62. Talk without opening your eyes.
63. Talk without opening your ears.
64. 4 words: ANALYZE, ANALYZE, ANALYZE!
65. Call or email friends before speaking or writing.
66. Say only what has been previously voted on.
67. mumble confidently
68. speak only when eating
69. spit in it
70. piss in it
71. shit in it
72. puke in it
73. bleed in it
74. cry tears in it
76. pretend to have dementia
77. have dementia
78. dementiate the words
79. forgive words
80. mix vowels
81. mix consonants
82. talk dog
83. talk cat
84. talk cat-squirrel
85. talk English in Spanish
86. talk English in French
87. talk English in Russian
88. talk English in Mandarin
89. talk English in German
90. talk English in Korean
91. have John M. Bennett make a poem out of it
92. have Cecil Touchon chop it up into little pieces and rearrange.
93. listen to Mark Bloch talking endlessly about the misuse of the word Fluxus
94. have a crowd of people converse while all wear earbuds with ipods turned up full blast
95. video tape your mouth speaking then play back in extremely slow motion.
96. Only talk with your mouth full
mIEKAL aND 1-3,48-54
Allan Revich 4,5,9,10, 69-75
bibiana padilla maltos 6-8,60-63, 76-90
john moore Williams 11-15
keri marion 16-20
David Baptiste Chirot 21-40
Roger Stevens 41-47
John M. Bennett 55-59
Mark Bloch 64-68
Cecil Touchon 91-95