Wednesday, November 04, 2009

100 SQUANGS [list no. 8]


1. A gooseberry in a lift
2. Three Chinese men in a cobbler’s shop
3. A puddle of green liquid being sniffed by an aardvark
4. A cup of spit falling down the steps
5. Asleep with face pressed against the wall
6. Blood drying beneath the fridge
7. The skin off a rice pudding hovering in mid-air.
8. Final demand from the Electric Flange Company
9. Rolling under the settee and collecting all the fluff.
7. Alice! Alice! You can come out now.
8. The marble that rolled beneath the sofa.
9. A wind chime on a hangover.
12. The faint trail of a pork pie
13. Misted-up dentures
14. The smell of a corncrake in the morning
15. Gravy granules grilling on a gravestone
16. Hairy fish flapping in the window sill
17. The grey plume of fog over a pie crust
18 A cup of coffee picked up and put down again in exactly the same place but with the handle facing a different way.
19. Slowly stroking my shiny lap fish
20. Drinking a cup of sand and beer
21. Flattening my shoes under the mattress
22. Looking through a blancmange window.
23. Whittling a beard on horse back
24. The slightest hint of a duck-filled fatty bush.
25. Trying to nail a fried egg to the wall
26. Sitting pant-less for an hour in a large bowl of rice
27. Shaking the noodles out of your hair
28. Arriving at the theatre early and waiting for Waiting for Godot.
29. Finding an abandoned door number in the street.
30. Finding a six-fingered glove on a railing.
31. Flying into Los Angeles carrying a couple of keys
32. Baking brownies in the hot summer sun under a tattered sombrero
33. Loving every minute of it
34. Juggling a jelly on the end of a frozen eel
35. A nut of a gate stump
36. Rhubarb bent forward and then back.
37. An absence of 38s
39. The coffee cup ring that you missed when you cleaned the bedside table.
40. The anniversary of a first parking ticket
41. Your unreliable trousers
42. My collection of tiny widgets
43. The hair of the dog that bit you
44. The light falling on a smoking hairdryer
45. A squirrel burying his nuts with a shovel
46. The hiss of a unfriendly sock
47. A filbert rolling under a sideboard
48. Grey sludge gathered after a long dribble
49. A grey filbert gathered after a long sideboard
50. The last hurrah!
51. Plectrum made of argon
52. A floating anvil over a Cornish pasty.
53. Three gullible rotating ferrets
54. Dog grunting in a bucket
55. Ripe banana shoved into a hose
56. Bathtub filled with cucumbers
54. A go-carting guillemot in a precinct
55. A pike of rotating rubbish
56. A sturgeon performing a tracheotomy
57. A moose on the loose in a roofless caboose
58. The shadow of an ailing pine
59. An art-broken artist from the East End of London
60. Flapping a hairdresser with a frozen halibut
61. Flipping a barber with a claustrophobic weasel
62. Finding a filleted Faberge Egg in your turn ups of your dungarees
63. Arguing with the August Agency for Alliteration
64. Scratching a itch card with some pork scratchings
64. Sewing a shoe on your cheek
65. Showing a sore to your soup
66. Sending a slug to your sister
65. Aluminium foil on a filling.
67. Grinding grey gravel into a grocer's gravy
68. Hitting a boiled beetroot into jaws of a bucolic whale
69. A crackle of a Gilbert
70. Big horse I love you
71. Fan me with a kipper
72 Wednesday - You are always on my mind.
73. Quang, defined
74. No flies on my double glazing
75. Corripe Cervisiam
76. Stercus accidit
77. A toppling Yoda
78. A squidgy birthright
79. Ten random words lost in a thimble.
80. Time randomly spent
81. A spent force.
82. Small hippo, you’re okay
83. A take it or leave it egg plant
84. More nonsense than you can shake a halibut at.
85. The whey through the porridge.
86. An unquoted number
87. A peach on trial
88. A copper bottomed train set.
89. Greeting a pirate with a handy fret saw.
90. Gargling with blancmange.
91. The dimple on a golf ball on a dumper truck
92. The smell of cheese and Mortimer.
93. Graded grains make finer soot
94. You are never alone with a strain.
95. Combine all your essential fatty acid houses.
96. Buy one - get one for treacle sponge day.
97. Giraffes hoolah-hooping and coughing
98. You have been quangled
99. P-p-p-p-pick up a pensioner
100. Grill me baby- eight to the barstool

Michael Leigh, Roger Stevens, John M. Bennett, Allan Revich, Melissa McCarthy

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