Wednesday, November 04, 2009

100 BANGS [list no.9]


1. Car door slamming in a walled cul-de-sac.
2. Frozen chicken falling on marble tiled floor.
3. A bollard being hit by pedestrian with a wet haddock
4. Cash register falling down a mine shaft
5. A big slap from a friendly hippo
6. Dropping a monkey wrench on a walnut whip.
4. Supersonic Jet
5. The table collapsing as the glue wasn't quite dry on the fixed leg.
6. A tennis ball in a microwave
7. Over-inflated zeppelin on the point of Chatres Cathedral
8. A knee joint suddenly put under pressure.
9. A sack of horseshoes colliding with a trolleybus.
10. A block of frozen urine dropped from a Boeing 707 landing on the M25
11. Casio battery-operated keyboard accidentally plugged into the mains
12. A manhole cover replaced incorrectly and subsequently being driven over by a Ford Mondeo.
13. Quasimodo using his face for a clapper.
14. One percussion cap under the Nazi jackboot.
15. A frog has inhaled too much marsh gas.
16. A hand grenade in the 17th hole
17. A jet-assisted supersonic skateboarder
18. The last note of a Ginger Baker drum solo.
19. Self becoming non-self.
20. Mud thrown on a stone wall
21. Toilet seat falling down at 3 in the morning
22. The starting pistol for the Fluxus Olympics
23. Yoko Ono hitting a nail into a chess piece with her shoe
24. Yoko Ono hitting an imaginary chess piece with an imaginary shoe.
25. Bob the Builder and Harry the Hippo pulling a Christmas Cracker
26. The sound of one hand clapping 100 times
27. Ron Jeremy with Candie Evens in Ron Jeremy Screws the Stars
28. Ron Jeremy with Christy Canyon in Ron Jeremy Screws the Stars
29. Ron Jeremy with Janey Robbins in Ron Jeremy Screws the Stars
30. Ron Jeremy with Juliet Anderson in Ron Jeremy Screws the Stars
31. Ron Jeremy with Lisa De Leeuw in Ron Jeremy Screws the Stars
32. Ron Jeremy with Rhonda Jo Petty in Ron Jeremy Screws the Stars
33. Ron Jeremy with Shauna Grant in Ron Jeremy Screws the Stars
34. The slam of a shot of tequila on the table at Eastside Tavern
35. Gun shot into the open desert in Nevada
36. 100 hairs on my forehead
37. Lester's wooden leg explodes.
38. Rice Crispies magnified 100 times.
39. My bowling ball hitting the roof of my car 5 floors down
40. My hacking cough in the deep stairwell
41. My head hitting the edge of a stop sign while walking down the sidewalk.
42. The first nail going into the crucifix
43. The first atomic bomb lands on Japan
44. The last sad balloon at a child's party
45. Bucket landing in empty well
46. A bird scarer
47. Flash Gordon's ray gun gets caught in his underpants.
48. The mating call of the Dynamite Bird.
49. The Dynamite Bird lays a very large egg.
50. Kicking the dentist as he hits a raw nerve with his drill
51. The village blacksmith hits his thumb
52. Two peanuts in the Hadron collider
53. A Hadron collider entering a black hole
54. The Big Bang
55. A Bigger Bang
56. The even Bigger Bang
57. The really, really Ginormous Bang
58. A ripe sausage (with beans)
59. A really tiny bang
60. The big ends going
61. The small ends going
62. Chitty Chitty Bang (the second Bang has been removed for the sake of homogeny.)
63. Day Trip to Bang (the or has been removed for the sake of conformity)
64. Bang (My Lover Shot Me Down) (the second Bang has been removed for the sake of this continuing joke)
65. De klap (Dutch )
66. Le peureux (French )
67. Ein knall (German)
68. Boiled sweet ejected from throat thanks to Heimlich Manoeuvre
69. Firework inside an Airfix model of Spitfire
70. First salvo of the battle of the Somme.
71. A conker falling on the dog's kennel.
72. An incalcitrant computer, a head and a brick wall.
73. The end of a long fizz
74. A cracker pulled by two elves
75. A car back firing going up a steep hill
76. The clowns car explodes at the circus
77. One of those things that looks like a bomb you have as a kid and put a cap in and then throw up in the air
78. Two ball bearings in a game of marbles
79. The first four letters of a bangle
80. The first letter and the last three of a boomerang
81. Big Bertha recoils
82. Anagram - NB sag
83. Acronym for British Artists National Gurning Society
84. SGNAB backwards
85. Kite flying into electricity pylon
86. Falling out of bed
87. A trick cigar in a lift
88. Getting lucky in Hong Kong
89. Falling out of bed again
90. A high five made by robots
91. A slam dunk
92. Large Pablo Picasso art books on Cubism falling from a shelf
93. A child falling from her first ride on a bicycle
94. A wide-eyed child running over her father on her second ride on a bicycle down a hill
95. An empty skillet on a high flame
96. Ice cubes in smoking hot oil
97. Tripping while running out of a house while watching a football game on a stolen color television still plugged in.
98. A shooting star falling through the roof of your house
99. A bird flying into a closed window trying to catch a gummy worm hanging from a string
100. A punch in the nose from an iron fist no longer in it’s velvet glove.

Michael Leigh with Roger Stevens with Peter Ciccariello, Don Boyd, Reid Wood, Allan Revich, Dawg, John M. Bennett, Cecil Touchon

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