Monday, November 02, 2009

100 Excuses [list no.2]

100 Excuses

1. I overslept.
2. The 4.31 didn't arrive until 5.38.
3. The postman was late.
4. My leg was playing up.
5. I couldn't find the key.
6. The Duck Yellow was marked down in the sale.
7. He was looking at me in a funny way.
8. My arms dropped off in a high wind.
9. My dog ate it
10. It was those brainworms again.
11. Until you experience it, you can't understand how devastat-ing
toenail fungus is.
12. Suddenly a tower of flame erupted in front of my car . . .
13. Woolies advertised a sale and everyone in my neighbor-hood
apparently leaped into their vehicles and instantly clogged all the
streets. It was interminably slow mayhem.
14. I slipped on the cat.
15. The ice melted.
16. Did you know that just wrapping a cloth around the fork you stick in
the toaster isn't enough to prevent a shock?
17. The auguries were terrible: the grackle's liver was com-pletely yellow.
I couldn't possibly start the project under those conditions.
18. No really, the dog ate it.
19. It's only been five minutes since the last time.
20. I forgot to floss.
21. Pure spite.
22. A big chunk of Cheshire broke off and floated down the Mersey.
23. I can't spell.
24. It's Allan's fault.
25. Alzheimer's
26. I had to work.
27. I had to sleep.
28. I had to have it.
29. It's all my fault
30. It's nobody's fault
31. Nothing Special
32. God made me do it.
33. God's dog made me do it.
34. My tooth was quivering
35. The ham fell out the win-dow
36. My faucet was too shiny
37. The luggage was transpar-ent
38. The coffee had a hole in it
39. My hand was busy else-where
40. I'm not kidding, IT WAS THE DOG!
41. And the dog was drinking gin
42. And the hash stuck on the ceiling
43. And my comb got jammed in my ear.
44. I forgot.
45. I thought Allan was going to do it
46. No excuse, you screwed up plain and simple, admit it.
47. My dog ate my Blackberry and I didn't know what day it was.
48. Our fearless leader told me to go shopping, why didn't you!?
49. I had loose vowels
50. That's just silly.
51. That doesn't make sense.
52. Yes.
53. No.
54. Because.
55. God made me do it.
56. It's Hamas' fault. (para-phrasing George Bush)
57. We can do it.
58. I'm paranoid schizophrenic.
59. This joystick's broken.
60. My nail polish isn't dry.
61. I'm snowed in.
62. I can't find the snow shovel.
63. Busy harvesting icicles to use as swizzle sticks in drinks.
64. Stirring Martinis very slowly so as not to bruise the gin.
65. My bicycle is broken.
66. My ticket got eaten by a passing goat.
67. There weren't any more.
68. The old affliction returned.
69. It was easier.
70. My throat was full of dust
71. The lid was nailed down too tight
72. It was completely dark
73. The velour pillow was itchy
74. Too Busy.
75. Too Tired.
76. Too Lazy.
77. Too Bored.
78. Too High.
79. It was my evil twin
80. YOU did it
81. Mom told me to.
82. Jesus did it
83. My grandmother died.
84. She said she was eighteen.
85. The dog is dead, but he still did it.
86. I love you.
87. The bus in front of me ex-ploded.
88. Your art is joke.
89. There's no telling.
90. The square root of negative one.
91. I went to school in Olym-pia.
92. Anarcho-facism
93. I'm still looking for my snow shovel
94. Hamsters have made a home in the turn-ups of my trousers
95. I was channeling Dick Hig-gins.
96. I wish I composed Danger Music.
97. Everything is so simple.
98. Heroin.
99. Who cares?
100. I'm sorry.

Reid Wood, Miekal And, Carol Starr, Madawg, Allan Revich, John M. Bennett, Keith Buchholz, Michael Leigh, I. Sapthi, Ann Klefstad, Melissa McCarthy, Reid Wood, Bibiana Padilla Maltos, Cecil Touchon, ARC


101. No fair.
102. And the answer is.
103. Don't forget.
104. That's no excuse.
105. I have exceeded my daily quota.

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